the end...

the end of this chapter, anyway. on tuesday night i started to cramp and clot. i returned to the ER where they ran my blood work and saw that my HCG went from 2133 to 2600 in four days. nowhere near doubling. the doctor confirmed that i was, indeed, having a miscarriage. the HCG numbers were a technicality... the bleeding and clotting was worse than i'd ever had it with AF. there was no doubt in my mind.

let me tell you - wondering for 4 days... worrying, stressing, hoping beyond hope, bargaining... everything... all of that was put to rest with a few simple words from a kind ER doctor (and a great nurse). the confirmation was all i needed to set my mind at ease. it was out of my hands - and i finally let it go.

ive spent the last few days in bed with my mom :) we watched movies and trashy daytime TV. we laughed and cried and talked and sat in silence. it was the best thing for what i was going through. she told the people i couldnt bear to... and she gave me the time and space to tell those i needed to.

i went to the doctors this morning for my follow up and they confirmed that my uterus was empty - which is good. that means that i was able to do it naturally without having to have a D&C, which was one thing that scared me. the doctor said there was a tiny bit of blood left and that that should pass within a few days. so that is really, really good.

i will be trying again though - probably in july/august. i think i'll be ready by then, both physically and mentally. it'll take at least a month or two just to get back into the charting mode with a "good" cycle to chart. so im down, for now, but not out. not by a long shot :)